I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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