Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
