About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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