If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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