Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
