if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
