Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
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It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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