Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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