Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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