he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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