Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
