remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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