talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
