I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
