Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize