im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
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ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
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It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.