Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
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It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old