Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
