apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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