Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
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high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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