I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
