I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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