The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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