just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
