your parents love me but you hate me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
