they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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