Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
