i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
