Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
