I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
