i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
