I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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