I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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