I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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