i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
