the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
