It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
