Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
