Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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