I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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