Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
