i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
