I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
