I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
