Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
