a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
