if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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