Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
