By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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