That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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