you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
