you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
