I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
