just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
