Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
