i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
