I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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