he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
