you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
