Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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