walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
