i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
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Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
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Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.