I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
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My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.