You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are