Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
