weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
